is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
