Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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