Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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