We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
