I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
