Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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