things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm passing your future prison.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
