The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
