It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
