Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
