She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
