why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
