I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
