Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
