hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
