im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
