We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
