Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I need help removing her.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
