I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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