im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
