remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
