Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You pole danced in your parka.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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