I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
