so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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