My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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