What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
