I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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