my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
