how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
