I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
