Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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