only you would photoshop your dick
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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