She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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