it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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