All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
