I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
