I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
