She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
