I wish I could punch you in the face.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
