remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
