Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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