Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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