I think scott just propositioned me for sex
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
