I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
