you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
