am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
