Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
