His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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