So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
