We're like a lot better than the average bears
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
