i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
