I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
